Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
