Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
