I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
