this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
