i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize