i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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