Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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