She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
