I'm so fucking centered right now
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
