dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
