thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
