11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
