I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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