He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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