Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
