so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
