Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
