I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
