just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
