Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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