I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
