everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
