Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
