Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
