My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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