Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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