If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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