So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
