I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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