sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
