Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
