Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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