And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Randomize
