I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
