I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
