It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
