My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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