This is not my ceiling
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
