I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize