dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
