so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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