marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
