I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
