For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
