Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
