the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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