The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize