Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
