You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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