He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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