i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize