oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
