thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
