Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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