hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
