Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize